Living My Reality. Not Pretending

It feels like it's been quite some time since I last had the inkling to come here and express myself here on My Empowering Miracle. It has been over two months since my last blog post.

I assure you that I am safe and that all is well. At the same time, it's time for me to be completely real and transparent, maybe more than I ever have before in my life.

You see: Growing up, I always loved to make people feel good, to inspire their spirit and raise their vibrations. Some things don't change. I still love to do that, in what seems like a completely different, yet similar way. But, I would place my needs and wants last. I would be the guy that wanted to make others feel loving and warm, yet deep down, I felt that I was unworthy of my own love and attention, that my own needs and wants didn't matter.

I was inspired to pen this new blog post after coming into contact with a beautiful soul named Cindy Turner, who has recently released her new book: Losing My Breath: From Loss To Transformation, in which she shares her journey after losing her 20-year-old daughter Chloe unexpectedly in an accident.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Depending on wherever you may be on your own path, your higher self and soul may share with you early on in the interaction why you were meant to connect with that individual or at least give you a strong impression. All is took was me reading about a dozen or less pages of the book to find this passage:

"My therapists and spiritual guides kept my healthy and whole. I valued them for helping me to deepen my experience, while staying grounded in my life and for keeping me in check, making sure I was living my reality and not pretending."

So yes, I am a creator. I love to create. At the same time, I have to come clean and confess: I have been afraid to create and afraid to write over the past two months or so. I let the illusion of what was going on in "real life" try to take my focus away from doing what I love and enjoy. That. Stops. Now.

I incarnated here to be able to express my emotions, feel my feelings, and allow myself to express my vulnerability. It may have taken nearly 34 years to get to the point last summer, where I was ready and willing to begin doing that, when I chose to undergo chemotherapy as part of my healing.

I was stripped naked spiritually and was given the opportunity by the Universe to feel my pain, to begin loving myself on the deepest of levels, and beginning to co-create heartfelt conversations and relationships for the first time in my entire life. It does not get any more raw and vulnerable that two people sharing their journeys together in that kind of setting, how they came to that particular present moment, while holding the space for one another during a time of transformation, with an inner knowing that the best is yet to come, including the realization that I was already healed in God's eyes. It would only me a matter of time before I began to see and feel what he saw when I saw born 35 years ago: that I was whole and complete just how I was.

My teacher, my mentor, my guardian angel Wayne Dyer shares with us the following, a message that is even more profound now than when I first saw it: "Would you rather be right or happy?" Acknowledging my own mistakes and learning from them, forgiving myself and others, the releasing of any expectations of any kind, learning to love myself and others unconditionally, while not seeing myself as separate from God all have been instrumental in my own healing.

So, I thought I was brought down to my knees before. I thought that one could only be spiritually stripped naked once in a lifetime. I. Was. Wrong.

I had emotions and feelings that I still bottled up, that I had not let go of. Pain from previous relationships. Trauma from past lifetimes. And yes, I was also operating on a subconscious level, through old default programming, limited behaviors, and mindsets that were not even my own, but from generations long ago.

You see, for the majority of my adult life, until just about a month ago, I was operating my life from a perspective of "What's in it for me?" vs. "How may I serve?" I was placing the majority of my energies into acquiring and chasing, never feeling a sense of completeness as I was.

I took everything for granted. People. Relationships. Money. My own love. And most importantly, my connection with God and Spirit.

I was never happy. I felt that I was never enough. I felt I had to continue to prove myself. On some level, I felt that just "being me" wasn't going to cut it. I was that blinded by my ego.

 I was shown that I had to take full and compete responsibility for my life. I had to. That was part of the healing process. By owning the fact that I had created every experience, in one way or another, would be essential to me in taking my next steps forward, maybe the most important ones on my journey.

I was being granted the chance to make amends. To do everything a different way than I did before. "To walk down a different street," as Wayne Dyer refers to. It was shown to me that I needed to take full and complete responsibility for my life.

God, Spirit, my angels, and grandmother were helping me, brick by brick, to rebuild a foundation for my new life, one that would be based on unconditional love, integrity, respect, and compassion for all of humanity, a life that would be Spirit-run, a business that would be Spirit-driven, something that my soul had wanted, but the Earthly part of me thought would never be possible.

I took on a position as a part-time After School Teacher here in the Buffalo area for the summer. Instead of placing my full focus on the happiness and joy that I was beginning to feel for the first time in my entire life, my ego was giving me reasons why this couldn't work out out. How much (or "how little") I was making. The number of hours that it was "taking away" from my publicity and social media work. I was telling the Universe that I wanted out by the end of the summer, that I "didn't see myself there" before the end of August. Guess what: I was given my wish. About one month ago, I clipped the curb leaving my apartment parting lot, busting my tire. Thankfully, I was OK. But, I had to call into work. The next day, I received a phone call saying that it wasn't working out. For the first time in my life, I was fired from a job. Not voluntarily parted ways. But let go.

So, for close to three months, there was various experiences, blessings, and life lessons that were happening. That brought me to the point of a full surrender. Spiritually. Emotionally. Financially.

Things go have a way of working out when that happens, because you fully acknowledge that what you are facing is beyond your control. You give it all to God, Spirit, your angels, and your spiritual team to provide the best solutions. My friend Arron, whom I had worked with in collections for close to five years, assisted me, along with an angel named Guy, who came out of nowhere with the proper tools, in putting on the spare tire for my car. Before he Arron parted ways, he gave me a copy of the Bible. This time, I knew what was happening here. I could not scoff at this. This was God's way of showing me what to do.

I had spent so much time invested in worrying whether I was going to fail or succeed, controlling relationships, how much I was making/going to make, and being afraid of getting close to new people coming into my life, being afraid to let love in, and to receive anything that was attempting to flow my way. This. All of this. Could and would not survive in the new paradigm of my life.

So yes, my life had to crumble. That was merely what I knew. But what if, from this deconstruction, something even more beautiful could be born?

I was learning the importance of being grateful. For what I had in my life. A teacher who took her a lot of her time (for which I am eternally grateful for) showed me the significance of letting Spirit lead me to the next chapter of my life.

I have been following my inner guidance over the past two weeks, something that I am still getting used to. It actually feels really good. By doing this, several powerful shifts have happened within my life.

A friend of mine in Minnesota told me that Jai-Jagdeesh, the well-known singer, chanter, and yogi was coming to Unity of Buffalo, as part of her Revolutionary Love tour. Her chant, Et Ong Kar, had cracked me wide open to a level that I never felt, a chant that changed my life forever when I first heard it in May at the Hay House I Can Do It event in Toronto. I went to the event thinking it would be a concert. I was wrong. It was a Kundalini yoga get-together. I didn't bring a mat. The Universe was definitely bringing me out of my comfort zone. I could've run away. But I didn't. I stayed there. Picked up an extra mat. And went home for the first time in years. This was how I was going to be releasing what I was holding back. It was painful, but also energizing. It reminded me that anything is possible. That I am unlimited. That I am infinite. That I could finally release this. And that it wouldn't involve reading any more books, watching any more YouTube videos, speaking to any other gurus. It was simply a matter of feeling. Then releasing.

After the event was over with, I connected with Jai and set a powerful intention for the rest of my life, one that I know the Universe heard on that Full Moon evening, surrendering all end results and outcomes to Spirit, knowing and trusting that it would indeed turn out even more beautifully than I ever imagined.

I was guided back to go to Unity of Buffalo with members of my soul family last Wednesday for their International Day of Peace festivities, which included an evening prayer ceremony, a delicious pot luck dinner, walking the sacred labyrinth in their Peace Park, a night of theater, as well as closing the evening by signing John Lennon's Imagine. On this day, one year ago, I was here at Unity. One year after completing chemotherapy. Where I began to move forward. 365 days later, I was provided the opportunity to do the same, but this time, knowing and feeling the truth. Through the theater group that came into Unity that night, I learned that the pathway to peace was by being my authentic self. I was ready to now do that.

I had lived my life feeling that I would let people down. That I would offend someone. That by being myself, in some way, shape, or form, things wouldn't go "according to plan." But whose plan? My plan?

I have now since realized that whatever visions I have seen or felt for myself, if they are meant for the highest and greatest good of my soul, will indeed take physical form. Some already have begun to have. It is more important now for me to remain completely humble. For everyone and everything. Expecting nothing. Merely putting out energy of love wherever I go, placing my connection with God and Spirit first and letting everything else fall into place the way it's meant to happen.

I have seen and felt, just from the past several days, what you can see and feel when dropping your facade. What happens when you let love in. When you allow your heart to soften. When you let your guard down. When you surrender control. When you just. Show up. Know that whatever is presented to you that you are ready for. You can take the time to let your ego tell you that you aren't worthy. Or you can beat yourself up more. Or a combination of both. But honestly, what would that do?

Do I have all of the answers? Nope. Am I still rebuilding? Yes. And I'm not afraid to say that. I choose to acknowledge just how far that I've come vs. seeing myself as "broken," "shattered," or any other similar words. God doesn't see me as broken or shattered. So why should I? God is unlimited and infinite? So, why shouprofould I spend time believing any illusions that reflect the opposite.

I now choose to use my love, my power, along with my skills and my gifts that I was blessed with to empower humanity, not just myself. I choose to be grounded, balanced, and centered. I allow myself to give and receive. I allow myself to be happy and joyful, just for the sake of being happy and joyful. It's still a bit difficult at times for me to place myself first, especially by looking at the commitments and responsibilities that I have, but I trust that I am getting better by the day. My soul was always leading the way for me, and I strongly believe that that it is even more so now.

I am thankful for what has been shown to me over the past several months, especially the last few weeks. I simply place my faith, my trust, and my love in the hands of my grandmother, who has been watching over me since she made her transition a little over three years ago. She showed me that I would have miracles and wonders coming my way. She reaffirmed that last June. My Empowering Miracle does not have an expiration date. I have learned that My Empowering Miracle...is...me.

Sat Nam. Namaste.